Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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