i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
