no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
