in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
