Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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