4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
