is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
