During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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