Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
