Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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