On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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