well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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