is your mom at the bar?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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