my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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