so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
