Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
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my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
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I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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