That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
