You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
