Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
