i already hear my dad disowning me
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
