Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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