How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
