I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
