Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
