i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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