sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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