Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
