new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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