My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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