Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
