I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my phone needs a breathalizer
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
