I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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