why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
