I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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