Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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