he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
