Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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