you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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