Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
