I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
