Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
