the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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