i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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