Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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