I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
