This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
