Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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