toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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