I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
