is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
