Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
