omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
