remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
