Already got asked if we're dating
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
