There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
