Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
