New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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