see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
