i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
