The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
